Postpartum Depression
We discuss postpartum depression. If you think you are not affected, you might be surprised. It takes lots of different forms and can last for months and even years and has a medical basis. Listen and learn.
How is Postpartum Depression different than the “Baby Blues”?
The Baby Blues refers to generally weepiness, fatigue and worry for the 2-3 weeks following delivery. Postpartum Depression may set in 2 weeks to 2 months after delivery and interferes with your daily life. You may feel sad most of the time, feel like things will never get better, have thoughts of death or suicide (having thoughts of death does not mean that you are suicidal), have trouble sleeping (even when the baby sleeps), have a change in appetite, and generally not feel like yourself. (However, don’t think that if you don’t have thoughts of death or suicide that you don’t have Postpartum Depression.)
If you feel you are experiencing Postpartum Depression, you should seek the help of a doctor to work out a plan for your recovery. The sooner you get help, the faster and better your recovery. Seeking help is not a sign of weakness. It is a step toward taking control and regaining your life!
Here is our input on this topic (we are not medical professionals, but mothers who wish to offer our understanding and support to you):
PREPARE YOURSELF BEFORE DELIVERY:
Read about Postpartum Depression (PPD) and its symptoms before your delivery so you can recognize it for what it is and take steps to prevent it. Even if you haven’t had it in the past doesn’t mean that you won’t have it with another baby.
Have realistic expectations. Talk to other mothers about their experiences after having a baby so you can get some realistic expectations of life with a baby. Motherhood is work. You should expect to be tired, and not all of it is “cute.” Give yourself time for recovery. Delivery is a major production! Your hormones will need time to readjust. You will need time to learn breastfeeding. You will need time to work into a routine. Your house will be messy!
You will need time to bond with your baby. Some women DON’T “bond” at first sight. It’s okay. Oh… and did anyone mention the 4-6 weeks of bleeding afterward? You need time!
Don’t plan for big projects, traveling, parties. Don’t be in a rush to get back to work, Don’t take on assignments during that time EVEN IF YOU THINK IT WILL BE NO BIG DEAL! If you begin to experience PPD, you won’t want to do them, and you won’t want to cancel the commitment either.
Don’t plan to fit into your jeans after 2 weeks!
Plan for meals. Your nutrition is important. Preparing healthy meals will not be easy with a baby. Freeze things ahead of time. Invite friends to bring a meal occasionally and stay to eat it with you (or take you out). This will give you a chance to talk, talk, TALK, which is very therapeutic and you won’t have to prepare the meal.
Have an agreement for your exercise and downtime. Talk about the importance of you getting time for a walk, time to read a book or time for whatever becomes important to you after the birth. Being alone won’t always be the best thing however, so plan walks together and time with other friends.
Tell your friends to stay closeby. You won’t want to feel isolated so stay connected with friends. Because a baby is so much work, you and your husband or mother may “tag team” to take care of her, but this can separate you from your most important chances for communication.
Sleep is a major factor—or lack thereof. Plan for someone else to take one of the nighttime feedings so you can sleep, preferable out of your earshot so you really won’t be disturbed. You’ll enter a downward spiral if you go without sleep (Lack of sleep–> irritability, lack of focus–> guilt for behavior–> feelings of inadequacy–> depression)
Make sure your spouse and others understand the symptoms and will be able to step in when they see you need help.
HELP FOR THOSE WHO LOVE SOMEONE WITH POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION:
The worst part of her pain is that no one understands what she is feeling. It’s a horrible thing to feel this badly, and even worse to feel so lonely. Do your best to be patient with her and let her know that you are concerned for her well-being.
Keep tabs on her eating. Not eating will make her feel worse, but she may not be interested in eating, and probably even less interested in preparing healthy food. Don’t assume she has eaten just because the time has come and gone for breakfast or lunch. Foods may not sound good to her when you ask, so just make something and put it in front of her.
Conversely, some women with Postpartum eat furiously and that adds to their depression. There is some truth to the fact that you feel hungrier when you are nursing, but if you feel yourself comforting yourself with a gallon of fudge ripple, things are not going well.
Don’t ask about helping with the children or cleaning up the house. Just do it. Taking care of herself is the thing she is having a hard time with. It’s a no-brainer that you should help with those other tasks, but don’t ask “do you want me to get you something to eat?” just do it. She is fighting her own feelings of inadequacy and will resist turning things over to others to prove to herself she can “handle it.”
Close friends or family: Don’t wait for her to make decisions that would help. If you see she needs to cancel commitments for more time to recover, take matters into your own hands and do it. She will be relieved to not have to “fess up” herself that she can’t handle the schedule or the demands. If you think hiring help would be good, make the call. If you think she needs to see a doctor, make an appointment for her. If she needs to get out for a night with friends, arrange for the babysitter. Remember, her judgment and ability to handle important things is not in prime form. Keep in mind the “blame” she casts on you for insisting she drop certain obligations may be a defense mechanism on the outside, but inside she may be relieved to have someone else to carry that blame. Take it for her!
Don’t say things that validate her inability to conquer her environment. Things like, “you have too much on your plate,” “You can’t expect to do all of this on your own,” or “You need to ask for help,” may be true, but will confirm her feelings of inadequacy and weakness. She will think “everyone else can handle it, even you are handling MY problems, too. I will never be any better. I should just leave and let everyone else take care of things.” She won’t want to stick around and watch YOU handling everything so well. She’d rather be gone. Tell her how valuable she is to your family, what things you admire about her, what things she does well that no one else can do.
Don’t jump to conclusions. If you say things like, “Isn’t it just wonderful?”, “You must be so happy,” it will make her feel like she is really awful because inside she doesn’t agree but according to you she SHOULD be feel those things. She’ll feel even more guilty for not being able to love her baby and be happy about the experience. And she’ll be even less likely to open up to anyone about her feelings.
Take care of her. This gives her what she physically needs and lets her know emotionally that SHE is important, too. Get her something to eat. Give her time to get exercise. Don’t ask if she is “better.” Don’t leave her recovery up to her. She will neglect it in favor of the family’s needs.
Don’t be tricked into thinking she’s an old hand at motherhood because she has other children so she won’t need as much help. She has MORE responsibilities and those young children still have needs. This adds to her burden and may cause her to begin sinking, even if she didn’t have PPD before.
Don’t entertain thoughts of “why can’t she get over this?” or “what is the big deal, it’s just laundry, she’s done that plenty of times!” Know that she is thinking the same thing and is frustrated that she can’t just snap back to normal.
Fess up! Don’t paint your world as perfect. If you’ve felt the same, let her know. Be real and be complete about it. Tell her you feel better and you know she will, too. Being honest and open about it can really be a turning point for her. She will feel less alone in her suffering and will gain hope that she will “be herself” again because she sees how you overcame it.
Read a first-person experience book about PPD. You’ll learn things about it that she isn’t able to tell you. It will open the dialogue between you and just knowing someone UNDERSTANDS will greatly reduce her emotional burden. Brooke Shields’ Down Came the Rain was good at verbalizing the crazy feelings a woman may have, and This Isn’t What I Expected: Overcoming Postpartum Depression, by Karen Kleiman and Valerie Raskin, has a chapter specifically written for husbands.
Other resources:
http://www.sbpep.org/index.php
http://www.babycenter.com/refcap/227.html
http://www.storknet.com/guests/kleimanppd.htm
Help for those living with a woman experiencing PPD:
There is an EXCELLENT Postpartum Pact at this page that is helpful whether you’ve experienced PPD before or not:
http://www.postpartumstress.com/family_support.html
http://www.ppdsupportpage.com/dads.html
http://www.pndsa.co.za/what_helps.htm
